What is a kazoo? 
A kazoo is a low-tech voice synthesizer for making loud and offensive noises that are then foisted off on the unsuspecting public as music.

How do I play my new kazoo?
With panache, with style, with a devil-may-care attitude. To get the best performance from your kazoo, put your lips around the large hole at the one end of the instrument. Then sing, loudly and dramatically, into this hole. Once you have achieved the first squawk, you are capable of annoying friend and relative alike with your own personalized renditions of Stairway to Heaven, Free Bird, Puttin' on the Ritz, Sadie Green was the Vamp of New Orleans, Beethoven's "Ninth", Stravinski's "Firebird". And just a little tip: it will sound far more irritating in a falsetto!

The Kazoo Guy
The Kazoo Guy - showing how not
 to play your new kazoo
Can I fix my new kazoo if the membrane breaks?
Of course you can!! If the little membrane or membranes get broken, whether through tragic accident or by insidious design, just back out the screws holding the plate over the broken membrane. Now replace the membrane (IT'S NOTHING MORE THAN PLASTIC GARBAGE BAG) and screw the whole thing back together again. Oh, you might want to rub a bit of mineral oil into the wood from time to time to keep the wood pores sealed.
Do you make these things?
Yes, I do. I make all the kazoos myself. Frankly, I don't work and play well with others AND I run with scissors in my hand AND with lolly-pops in my mouth. So its best this way, for insurance purposes. My wife, Yvonne, locks me in the shop daily and does not let me out or feed me until my quota is finished. Then I'm allowed to sleep for a few hours, given a bowl of thin gruel and locked in the shop again. HELP!!
What are they made out of?
Wood. We import the wood from kazoo trees grown from free-range seeds on a small island in the Caribbean. No, really, I make the kazoos out of the best scrap wood from my mountain dulcimer business. Oh yeah, and brass screws. Incidentally, I don't use any dyes or stains on the wood (I don't know how). The color is all natural, right from the tree.
What are you doing out of the shop?
Oh, hi, dear, I was just getting a sandwich and answering a few FAQ for these nice………
OK, Mister Kazoo!! Here's an FAQ for you! Just how many kazoos have you finished today? Huh, Mr. Sawdust-on-the-Carpet?
I don't know, a few dozen, maybe………..honest, I'll get right to it, dear. Can't I just have cheese sandwich? Maybe a cookie….?
No sandwiches for you, Mister I'll Get Right To It! Now, who let you out of the basement?
Hey, not so rough, Yvonne!……Wait a minute………help….I'm being abducted from my own web-site……..I SAID I'd get the kazoos done……..no, no don't lock me in the shop….I'm afraid of the dark….